Why Can’t You See Me?

Oh hey, there person talking to me about your day for the millionth time, I’m just over here falling into a deep bottomless pit of despair, loneliness and utter sadness.

I can see why regaling me about your very enjoyable day and all the things you achieved, would be a thing you’ll think I would enjoy. You just don’t care that I have checked out of this ‘conversation’ a while ago.

Maybe you do care; you just don’t know how to say anything. This is me being hopeful about the fact that you are not a self-centred bitch. You may be biding your time hoping I won’t snap. That, by the way, is the most ignorant thinking, but I don’t blame you, I blame the under education and misinformation of the broadest topic ever, painted with a narrow brush and perpetuated by the lazy media and cinema.

Do I really mean these things I just said? Did I just roll my eyes and ignore you again? Are you screaming at me because you are frustrated by my stubbornness?

News flash, it’s not about you. My feelings, however skewed, are my feelings. You can’t control that as much as you can tell the difference between stubbornness and a genuine cry for help.

Not that you would recognize a cry for help if it hit you in the freaking face.

You’re not a stranger though; you’re my (insert title here). I need help but I can’t ask you because you don’t hear me, you discount my feelings and thoughts as weird.

If you can’t understand why I like to keep things a certain way, how can you understand me when I say, I feel like I’m drowning. It’s not loud and splashy, it’s quiet. I’m in over my head, but at the same time, I feel like I can fly. My heart is full of a myriad of emotions and the only thing I have for consolation is a bunch of ridiculous blanketed statements that make me want to scream and cry and rip out my hair and sleep and be.

I don’t feel normal. What is normal though? Did I do this to myself? Am I overreacting to nothing? Am I weak? After all, I’m not the only one with problems, why am I acting like the only person in the world who has failed something?

But I’m not this way because I failed. I noticed I’m this way because of that failure. If I look back at my life to the early beginnings, I notice I’ve always been this way.

It’s not my fault, it’s a chemical imbalance. Or is it? And if it is which chemicals are not balanced well and how can I balance it?

I don’t know what to do. Why can’t you see me? Why can’t I make you see me?